Making Blood

This was a fun night of making blood with my wonderful assistant/lover/greatest person ever, Nick! Ya, I love him!

Life, Life, Life - Crazy Sam's Club Folks

Ya, I'm terrible at blogging. It's alright though. Life has been crazy. Currently I am sitting in my Theatre History Class.... falling asleep....... This class is boring, for lack of a better word. It's filled with the most {insert adjective here relating to being annoying} people who get off on the most random and ridiculous topics ever. It's annoying!

Anyways.......

What's been happening in the life of Kayt?

LOTS!

Sam's Club is still my slave driving work. Everyday is filled with stories of ridiculous people who make me wonder how they have survived this long. I'm in the clothing department and it surprises me how disappointed people get when they find out we don't carry certain things, styles, or specialty sizes. All I can think is.... YOU'RE AT SAM'S CLUB!!!! If you want a larger, higher quality, and more specific clothes selection go to a clothing store.

Just recently I got asked out by my 6th older, creepy, stalker-type man who upon me declining them by lying that I'm married they reply, "You look to young to be married." ????? If I, a 21 year old college kid, look too young to be married then I am DEFINITELY too young for you, creepy, balding, beer-bellied 50 some odd year old man, to be hitting on me and asking me for my number.

My latest creepy man likes to walk to Sam's Club several days a week to:

A- Use the wifi that he has yet to figure out how to use

B- Lounge around on the patio furniture on his "mini vacation" with the "beautiful women" all around

C- Wandering around and just happening to run into me so he can complain about the wifi, people with tattoos and piercings, and how the people at Walmart are classy.

D- All of the above

If you answered D, then you are correct!

O goodness..... Next topic, please!

My stomach is officially growling incredibly loud and it's very distracting. Class is due to be over right now so I'm signin' off for now.

Where are you Christmas? - Just some random things to think about this season

Where are you Christmas

Why can't I find you

Why have you gone away

Where is the laughter

You used to bring me

Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas

Do you remember

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here

Everywhere, oh

Christmas is here

If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind

You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas

I know I've found you

You never fade away

The joy of Christmas

Stays here inside us

Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas

Fill your heart with love

"Where Are You Christmas?" by Faith Hill

Christmas, have you left me?

Am I growing to old for you?

Where have the butterflies gone,

That I used to feel?

The excitement, peace, and love?

Do you change with age?

Does your meaning stay the same?

The world is making you,

Into something selfish.

All about the getting and

Outdoing the past years.

Christmas is not about

The presents, the food, and the money spent.

It's about being with one's family,

Spreading love,

Helping those in need of help,

Remembering Christ.

This year,

Remember the Christmas story.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

Just a little somethin........

O my dearest stars,

Why do you shine?

Do you shine to cause envy,

Among us here on earth?

The dull and the plain.

Brave Orion,

Why do you shine?

The truest and most constant man.

Radiating your magnificence,

On our poor souls.

Constant Polaris,

Why do you shine?

Do you tire of being our guide?

Guiding our lost souls

On our way.

O wise, constant, and noble stars,

Do you envy

Our will to change, grow, move, and live?

Or more simply,

Do you envy

Our ability to love?

Love,

My beautiful stars,

Is more brilliant than all of you combined.

It can outshine the sun.

Out-warm fire, move one more than wind and water,

And change the unchanging.

Love,

Brings joy and sorrow.

Cold and heat.

Immortality and Pain.

But mostly and most importantly,

It brings

Life.

Hmmmmm.......

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on

The ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

This song has been on the soundtrack of my life for the past little while. I swear I listen to it at least once everyday. I really didn't know why I liked it so much until this morning something hit me while watching Because I Said so. In between laughing at the fact that the movie is too much like my sisters and I and that Diane Keaton is so my mom, I realized that the reason I love that song so much is because it is my life when it comes to relationships. I hold on to relationships. I'm scared of being alone so I hold on to guys that really aren't the best for me, just to merely have someone for the sake of holding. Someone or in my case someone(s) that I know I can run to and have a moment outside of reality. A quick moment of slight fairytale-ness..... or so I thought. Obviously it has been me being selfish and stringing along some guys and also clinging to the one who could never give me my happily ever after. I've been doing all of this without really realizing but it got comfortable. It was nice being told that someone loved me but the truth is I didn't share the same feelings. I feel terrible for admitting this. I have been selfish.

Lately I've been spending A LOT of time with my amazing friend Royden. We used to just hang out once in a blue moon and talk about my crazy life and some totally in depth stuff that would probably bore or confuse most people. but this past month we've spent multiple times a week together talking about everything under the sun and this past week we've spent time together all but two days. All the time just talking about everything and against his knowledge he helped me get past a rut in my life that I've been stuck in for who knows how long. The rut of being with someone because I'm comfortable. Just... Comfortable.

Don't get me wrong, you should be comfy with the one you love BUT you shouldn't be with someone just because you're comfortable with them. It's like when you go the a restaurant and order the EXACT SAME THING EVERY TIME!!! It's comfortable and safe. I do this, everyone does in one way or another. Royden made me realize, I have been settling. I have been settling.... I HAVE BEEN SETTLING! Why has it taken me so long to realize this? Why do I let myself be with someone because I think he's the best I can find..... He's the one that I allow to talk me into believing he's the best I can get when he's not! I've been settling from the moment I started dating guys. I've let guys convince ME the I'M the one who is not good enough. I've let guys change me and I've let them over the stupid delusion that he was the one and I have to make myself worthy enough to be with him when he's the one who pulled me down. I've let guys make me feel worthless. REALLY?????

Also lately I've been thinking about going back to some past relationships, why?? Because it's comfortable, I know what to expect. They are the ones who left me, they are the ones who thought THEY could do better. So why would I go back to that?? Well I'm not anymore! I'm done looking back. I've never been anyone for regrets. Why should I hold on to past guys who in some way held me back. Don't get me wrong some have helped me but ALL in some way have held me back. As so not feeling worthy enough to be with a guy..... SCREW THAT!! I'm going places, I have dreams and aspirations that most people my age don't. I'm shooting for the top! I'm not settling for being JUST anything. I want to be able to look at my life when it's all said and done and think, "Man, there's nothing else I could've done. I've done everything that I could've ever dreamed of doing and more." This might sound a little selfish but I think everyone needs to be selfish a little when it comes to his or her dreams. Am I wrong??

Mother Teresa said,

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove that the hunger for bread.

SO TRUE! I've been hungering for someone just to love me. I have been focusing so much on the fact that I don't have that someone that I probably haven't been in the right state of mind to even think about finding him. Love isn't always about finding the right person, it's about being at the right time with the right people, doing the things that make you happy (not just short term happy but long term). Because I bet if you're with the people who make you happy, doing what makes you happy that when you find the person who will just take that happiness to a whole new level.

So here's what I'm going to try to do from now on. Instead of trying to find the right guy, I'm going to focus on getting my life where I'd like it to go. Focus on the things that will enrich my life. Spend more time with my family who I miss more than I think they know. Start serving others more instead of focusing on how "terrible" my life is. When out with a guy I really like, I'm not going to let things slide that are things I want in my future husband. I'm not going to settle for someone who I think is the best I can get. I want the man who will love every single one of my quirks, who's quirks I love. The one I don't have to compromise any of my beliefs for, who I know that I can tell him anything and I know that he will still love me. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship but I'm shooting for it.

Les Brown said,

Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars.

Well, I'm not going to shoot for the moon..... I'm shooting for the galaxies!

My Life Lately

I am terrible at blogging! Awful, 100%!

Anyways, lately I've been have HD Dreams. Like extremely detailed. The thing I don't like about them is that they are totally CHICK FLICKS! Honestly? Really subconscious? I'm already having a hard time when it comes to the relationship topic. Why? I really don't know the real reason. I can honestly say that I am proud of myself for being single for like 5 1/2 months (ya, I know that's not a lot but for me.... that's a long time.) I guess it's probably my frequent lonely Friday & Saturday nights that are getting to me. I swear when I have a boyfriend not only to guys find me attractive but they hit on me and say if only I wasn't in a relationship because they'd take me out. Let me just call BS on every guy that has said that to me or any girl for that matter. Sadly according to the "textbook" definition of the date, since my last break up I have gone on four dates. FOUR! Really? Really male gender? Four? Also in that time I've been led on by not just one but two guys. GA!

It just seems like lately the only guys that find me attractive are ones not in Utah. I feel like Mary (Drew Barrymore's character) in He's Just Not That Into You. I get hit on online. Awesome! Cyber Dudes think I'm sexy! NOT! What am I only good looking when you can't see me? Am I really that intimidating? I've never thought of myself of intimidating or mean so what's going on? O wait I almost... ALMOST... got hit on....... Too bad he's leaving on a mission in about 3 weeks.

Oy, so why is this all bothering me? I really don't know! It's not like I'm looking to get married before I am done with school. Maybe it's because everyone around me is either married or dating or going on countless dates. BLAH! I think tonight it's bugging me because there's an institute dance and guess who is sitting home.... still in her Pj's..... no makeup..... Possibly considering chick flicks and ice cream instead of doing homework?

Sorry, that was a big vent.... I'm really not depressed about it all but it's just been buggin....

To Do List!

This is a list of thing I want to do over the next year:

• Serve at a soup kitchen
• Skinny Dip
• Go on a Vacation
• Go on a long road trip
• Cliff Dive
• Wakeboard
• Snowboard
• Apply for Makeup School
• Go surfing
• Sleep under the stars
• Scuba Dive
• Go on a Bum Tour
• Swim in the Great Salt Lake
• Rock Climb
• Boulder Climb
• Take a risk and give my portfolio to a BIG NAME
• Get a better job
• Find a better house to live in
• Exercise more