Hmmmmm.......

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on

The ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

This song has been on the soundtrack of my life for the past little while. I swear I listen to it at least once everyday. I really didn't know why I liked it so much until this morning something hit me while watching Because I Said so. In between laughing at the fact that the movie is too much like my sisters and I and that Diane Keaton is so my mom, I realized that the reason I love that song so much is because it is my life when it comes to relationships. I hold on to relationships. I'm scared of being alone so I hold on to guys that really aren't the best for me, just to merely have someone for the sake of holding. Someone or in my case someone(s) that I know I can run to and have a moment outside of reality. A quick moment of slight fairytale-ness..... or so I thought. Obviously it has been me being selfish and stringing along some guys and also clinging to the one who could never give me my happily ever after. I've been doing all of this without really realizing but it got comfortable. It was nice being told that someone loved me but the truth is I didn't share the same feelings. I feel terrible for admitting this. I have been selfish.

Lately I've been spending A LOT of time with my amazing friend Royden. We used to just hang out once in a blue moon and talk about my crazy life and some totally in depth stuff that would probably bore or confuse most people. but this past month we've spent multiple times a week together talking about everything under the sun and this past week we've spent time together all but two days. All the time just talking about everything and against his knowledge he helped me get past a rut in my life that I've been stuck in for who knows how long. The rut of being with someone because I'm comfortable. Just... Comfortable.

Don't get me wrong, you should be comfy with the one you love BUT you shouldn't be with someone just because you're comfortable with them. It's like when you go the a restaurant and order the EXACT SAME THING EVERY TIME!!! It's comfortable and safe. I do this, everyone does in one way or another. Royden made me realize, I have been settling. I have been settling.... I HAVE BEEN SETTLING! Why has it taken me so long to realize this? Why do I let myself be with someone because I think he's the best I can find..... He's the one that I allow to talk me into believing he's the best I can get when he's not! I've been settling from the moment I started dating guys. I've let guys convince ME the I'M the one who is not good enough. I've let guys change me and I've let them over the stupid delusion that he was the one and I have to make myself worthy enough to be with him when he's the one who pulled me down. I've let guys make me feel worthless. REALLY?????

Also lately I've been thinking about going back to some past relationships, why?? Because it's comfortable, I know what to expect. They are the ones who left me, they are the ones who thought THEY could do better. So why would I go back to that?? Well I'm not anymore! I'm done looking back. I've never been anyone for regrets. Why should I hold on to past guys who in some way held me back. Don't get me wrong some have helped me but ALL in some way have held me back. As so not feeling worthy enough to be with a guy..... SCREW THAT!! I'm going places, I have dreams and aspirations that most people my age don't. I'm shooting for the top! I'm not settling for being JUST anything. I want to be able to look at my life when it's all said and done and think, "Man, there's nothing else I could've done. I've done everything that I could've ever dreamed of doing and more." This might sound a little selfish but I think everyone needs to be selfish a little when it comes to his or her dreams. Am I wrong??

Mother Teresa said,

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove that the hunger for bread.

SO TRUE! I've been hungering for someone just to love me. I have been focusing so much on the fact that I don't have that someone that I probably haven't been in the right state of mind to even think about finding him. Love isn't always about finding the right person, it's about being at the right time with the right people, doing the things that make you happy (not just short term happy but long term). Because I bet if you're with the people who make you happy, doing what makes you happy that when you find the person who will just take that happiness to a whole new level.

So here's what I'm going to try to do from now on. Instead of trying to find the right guy, I'm going to focus on getting my life where I'd like it to go. Focus on the things that will enrich my life. Spend more time with my family who I miss more than I think they know. Start serving others more instead of focusing on how "terrible" my life is. When out with a guy I really like, I'm not going to let things slide that are things I want in my future husband. I'm not going to settle for someone who I think is the best I can get. I want the man who will love every single one of my quirks, who's quirks I love. The one I don't have to compromise any of my beliefs for, who I know that I can tell him anything and I know that he will still love me. I know that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship but I'm shooting for it.

Les Brown said,

Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars.

Well, I'm not going to shoot for the moon..... I'm shooting for the galaxies!